Putting it all out there!

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Honesty time. 

I’ve shared a lot about our adoption journey. Our excitement, our fear, our indescribable feelings. 

Right now, things kind of suck. We love our boys, they are OUR SONS, and they are the answer to so many prayers. 

But it’s not easy. And I know that parenthood can be a struggle no matter how it happens. And I know that I’m not the only new mommy to feel this way. But I’m so tired. 

Tired of a battle every time we say “no” or “not right now.” 

Tired of defiance and disobedience and melt downs and temper tantrums. 

Tired of trying not to yell back and tired of trying not to let them see me cry. 

Tired of feeling like a failure when I ask for help. 

Tired of being called stupid one minute and then the same child wanting to climb into my arms for hugs and comfort the next minute. (I love the hugs, and I love that they want my comfort, but the quick switch is exhausting.) 

And tired of feeling like I shouldn’t say anything because we chose this path. 

Please don’t get me wrong. We love our kids. They are smart, hilarious and totally adorable. They give amazing hugs. They know all the words to the Thomas theme song (chugga chugga choo choo) and rock out to the Batman theme. 

We don’t regret our decisions and we still 100% believe that this was God’s plan. We still believe that adoption is an amazing way to grow your family whether you struggle with infertility or not. If we went back in time we would still take the exact same path. 

 I’m not looking for sympathy, everyone is fighting their own battles and they are all just as hard as ours. But if I look like I have it together? I don’t. Not really. I’m guilty of the social media illusion, of pretending it’s okay when it’s not. 

I miss my job. (More than I thought I would!) My co-workers. My staff. I miss who Jonathan and I were together before. I miss adult conversations about things other than my kids. I miss lunch dates with my friends and I miss date nights with my husband. 

And you know what? I’m allowed to. I’m allowed to miss those things. And it doesn’t make me any less of a mother. And it doesn’t make me love my kids any less. 

And it’s going to get better. I know that, believe that. With all my heart. But right now? Right now sucks. And I needed to be able to say it. 

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