But I still cried.
I can’t even tell you exactly why.
I woke up with both my babies in their beds. (This was not the case last year.)
I was spoiled with gifts and cards.
We went to church and a special family joined us for service.
We had a big family lunch followed by birthday cake and ice cream. (Today is my birthday too.)
But on the way home I cried. And when Jonathan asked why I couldn’t put it in to words.
Our oldest has been struggling this week. Behaviours have ramped back up again. He has come so far, but it’s always hard when the behaviours we thought were behind us come back. And it’s exhausting, to constantly be “on,” never knowing when an explosion is going to happen.
Was I grieving the motherhood I had imagined - is that why I cried?
There’s been some conversation the past couple weeks about birth family. Some of it with the boys. We try so hard to keep conversations positive and age- appropriate but it’s hard. And, if I am being completely honest, sometimes I am incredibly angry with their birth parents. But more often than I am angry I am sad. I cannot imagine the heartbreak of knowing my children had a new family. And how hard it would around holidays - especially Mother’s Day.
Was I thinking of the mommy who came before me - is that why I cried?
I have been struggling to balance work and motherhood. I love my job and I love my kids. But I did my job for years before having kids and realizing that I can't be exactly the same employee I was before parental leave has been hard on me. My house is a disaster and I feel like I don't get to spend as much quality time with the boys as I would like. Sometimes I think going back to work has helped with my patience dealing with the boys, but sometimes I am stressed and tired and am not able to be the mother I want to be.
I feel like a failure as a mom some days - is that why I cried?
Two years ago on Mother’s Day a little girl at the church asked why I hadn’t gone up front with the other mothers. Last year I was dealing with the feelings that accompanied my oldest son running away from home and being brought home by the RCMP. (Yes, that happened. And it was as terrible as it sounds.) This year I expected to feel like I had “made it.” I am exclusively “Mommy” to both of my kids. We have been a family for a year and a half. It is as real as it can be for us. But standing up with the other moms today I still felt a bit like an imposter.
And that I think, is why I cried.
x
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