Mother's Day

I would be lying if I didn't say that Mother's Day is a struggle for me. And I know I'm not the only one struggling today. There are mothers who've lost children, and children who've lost their mothers. And there are the woman like me, who are waiting. Some days patiently, and some days impatiently. 

In my life plan, I would have been a mother by now. Since we began our adoption journey the fact that it's not about my plan has become more and more evident. But on days like today, knowing that there's a plan can only do so much. Watching the mothers get their flowers at church and seeing all the posts on Facebook are like tiny little pin pricks in my heart. One of the little girls at church today turned to me after service and said, "aren't you a mother?" Pretty simple question, but boy did it pierce.

I want to be a mother. I want tiny arms around my neck, and I want to kiss scraped knees. I want to clean up puke and I want to go to work on only 2 hours of sleep because someone had a nightmare or just couldn't sleep.

This isn't a pity party - my life isn't on hold because we're waiting for our children. My marriage is stronger, I get to spoil my nephew without my own children getting jealous. I have amazing people in my life, and I don't feel "incomplete." 

But I do think we need to encourage conversation. I'm not the only one who struggled with infertility. Who spent years wondering what was wrong with me. So if you're struggling, you're not alone. There's a plan for you too. 

Waiting & Christmas

I'm currently typing this post on the adorable new laptop that Jonathan bought me for Christmas. We did a little bit of splurging this Christmas, I think because in our hearts we're hoping that this is the last Christmas that it's just the two of us. That next Christmas we're busy with little ones and spoiling them instead of each other. Every Christmas tradition this year (like baking cookies at Jonathan's parents') prompted discussions of what it may be like "next year" and Jonathan and I talked several times about how different Christmas will look when we have our own kids.

We weren't the only ones thinking about our kids when we were doing our Christmas shopping this year. We got some incredibly thoughtful gifts from our family and friends as well. One of the girls at work nearly brought me to tears on Christmas Eve when she presented me with a scrapbook to fill with our journey. Her mother had kept a journal for her, and it was something that meant the world to her, so she wanted us to do the same for our future children. Jonathan and I each bought each other a book, and he also got me a beautiful necklace. David and Tracey bought us a wall hanging and a copy of "God Found Us You." My childhood friend Lauren sent us a devotion/journal book that I'm really looking forward to getting in to. And even Joseph's girlfriend (who we've never met!) sent us a sweet decoration.

When we're being honest with ourselves we know that we're probably going to have at least one more Christmas that's just the two of us, possibly more than one. We've only been approved a little over two months and we know how long the wait can be. This Christmas was the first one after our approval though, and we worked very hard to get here. I don't know how different next Christmas will look but I'm glad this Christmas was special.

Rejection.

We have now officially been waiting parents for a little over a month. The past month has completely flown by! (I think November always flies as an adult though, because December means Christmas and Christmas means a ton of extra things to get done.) Our home study has been put forward twice now, and both times we were not selected. If I'm being completely honest we didn't expect to get selected. We were told upfront that part of the selection process includes how long you've been waiting, and we know that there are families who've been waiting for years. It definitely lessened the blow, but it still wasn't easy to read the emails.

Right now I'm still able to convince myself that we weren't selected because of how recently we were approved. Once a couple months pass though I worry a little about how I'm going to react. Will I blame myself? Wonder why whoever is reading the report doesn't think I would be a good mother? Will Jonathan blame me? Will I blame him?

Are we strong enough to withstand those doubts? YES.

Is it going to be hard? Is it going to test us? I'm sure it is. But our kids are out there. Maybe they're already in foster care, maybe they haven't even been born yet. But I truly believe that there is a reason we felt that adoption was the path for us. We are meant to be here, meant to be on this journey. Our home study is going forward again, maybe these are our children. But if they're not, that's okay, because this is our journey. And someday we're going to be parents.

xo.

World Adoption Day.

Happy world adoption day!

This is the third year we've celebrated World Adoption Day. 

"World Adoption Day is a day to celebrate family.   World Adoption Day is a day to raise awareness for adoption.   World Adoption Day is a day to raise funds to support families in their adoption.   Ambassadors from all over the world are organizing events and parties, bringing together people from all walks of life to celebrate World Adoption Day.   Join us as we create a day to celebrate the power and beauty of family brought together through adoption."


The first year we weren't celebrating for ourselves, but for family who were on their own adoption  journey. And last year was our first year doing it for us and our kids. It's pretty easy to participate, even if you're not adopting yourself. just draw a smiley face on your hand and post it with the hashtag #WorldAdoptionDay. I know it seems like a silly little thing, but to someone who's on this journey it means a lot to see your support - even if we already know you support us 100% - and it's also amazing for us to see how many other families are coming together through adoption. 

For those interested in an update about our journey... We have exciting news! Our home study is being put forward for the first time this month. Our social worker has been very upfront with us, and the chances of this child being our son/daughter is very unlikely, but it is still ridiculously exciting to know that we're even being considered at this point. We will also be attending a forum at the end of the month where we'll get to meet other approved & waiting families and learn about some of the children currently waiting. 

PS: Thank you all for being interested in our journey, the love and support seriously blow us away every time we post anything,

442 Days.

We're approved.

It took 442 days from our call to the Nova Scotia Adoption Line to the email containing the words, "Congratulations - you're approved." 442 days. One year, two months, and fifteen days. 

In some ways it felt like a ridiculously long time, and in other ways it felt like it flew by. Part of me felt like this part of the journey would take longer, it still feels a little surreal that it's over.

It's a weird feeling too, One that's hard to describe. We're approved, but we're not matched. We can't go out and start buying things for our future children - we don't know whether there will be one or two, girls or boys, or even what ages they'll be. There's no "Congratulations you're approved adoptive parents" greeting cards for people to buy us, no parties or showers. Not that people aren't excited for us, because they are. (So excited, especially Jonathan's mom.) But it's a weird limbo-like place we're in.

All that's left now is the wait. There are things we'll do while we wait (we still have multiple home renos on the go, and a pile of books about adoption) but there's no "next step." I've liked setting small goals, and having things to work towards. But that piece is done. And I think it's scaring me a little.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely thrilled to be where we are. I know that the process did move smoothly and fairly quickly for us, And I wouldn't change that for the world. But... I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say or how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I think that's okay though. This is uncharted territory, and together Jonathan and I are going to figure out how to navigate through it. We might not be able to start picking out items for a nursery, but that doesn't mean we're not expectant parents. Every day we are one day closer to the day we get to meet our children.

This is our journey.

An update. (Finally!)

We are thisclose to being finished our home assessment. We have received the rough draft of our report from our social worker and it will be presented to her team on Tuesday, October 25th. For the majority of the assessment process I could comfortably say it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. We did hit one snag, which is hard to explain, but it all ended up working out. We've read over the report, and it sounds like us. A couple minor things we'll ask her to change (like Jonathan's name being spelled wrong, something he's pretty used to!) but I believe that the report captures who we are. I'll be on pins and needles until after the 25th I think, but it's crazy to thing how close to the end we are!

We had our adoption photos taken a little over a month ago, and we absolutely love them. They were taken at Point Pleasant Park in Halifax by Melissa Harding Photography. Melissa was fantastic to work with, I would definitely recommend her to any one in our area looking to have photos taken. I posted most of them on Facebook, but here are a few of my favourites...

Once the report is complete and we're approved (which hopefully we will be!) the real waiting begins. Because we're looking for one or two children with relatively low-needs, our wait may be long. We have lots of projects to do around the house, so hopefully that will keep us from dwelling on it too much. :-) 

Hopefully I'll be posting on Tuesday to let you all know that we are officially approved! 

It's the little things.

One of the things I was looking forward to about being pregnant was maternity photos. I mean, they are absolutely the cutest. I love pictures, at least once a year I make Jonathan get professional portraits done with me to include in our Christmas cards. Do my friends and family REALLY need a picture of Jonathan, Daisy and I every year? Probably not. But I still do it. 

When we were still researching adoption, well before I made the initial call, I stumbled across a pin on Pinterest that was basically the equivalent of maternity photos. And I was, (of course!) completely in love with the idea. 

We decided it was probably a good idea to wait until we were actually APPROVED to have pictures done. And when I say "we," I mean Jonathan said we couldn't do it right away and we needed to wait until we were approved. And it made sense. So I had to tell him he was right. Which isn't my favourite thing to do... ;-)

Anyways, long story short, a couple weeks ago I decided that things seemed like they were wrapping up and that September would be a great time to have some pictures done. So I did it, I booked a photographer. Someone I've never used before, but someone who came highly recommended and whose work I really like. 

I can't wait for the session, and I can't wait to share the pictures with you all. 

PS: You can check out the photographer I'm using here. :-)