Mother's Day 2.0

I had a great Mother’s Day. 

But I still cried. 

I can’t even tell you exactly why. 

I woke up with both my babies in their beds. (This was not the case last year.) 

I was spoiled with gifts and cards. 

We went to church and a special family joined us for service. 

We had a big family lunch followed by birthday cake and ice cream. (Today is my birthday too.) 

But on the way home I cried. And when Jonathan asked why I couldn’t put it in to words. 

Our oldest has been struggling this week. Behaviours have ramped back up again. He has come so far, but it’s always hard when the behaviours we thought were behind us come back. And it’s exhausting, to constantly be “on,” never knowing when an explosion is going to happen. 

Was I grieving the motherhood I had imagined - is that why I cried? 

There’s been some conversation the past couple weeks about birth family. Some of it with the boys. We try so hard to keep conversations positive and age- appropriate but it’s hard. And, if I am being completely honest, sometimes I am incredibly angry with their birth parents. But more often than I am angry I am sad. I cannot imagine the heartbreak of knowing my children had a new family. And how hard it would around holidays - especially Mother’s Day. 

Was I thinking of the mommy who came before me - is that why I cried? 

I have been struggling to balance work and motherhood. I love my job and I love my kids. But I did my job for years before having kids and realizing that I can't be exactly the same employee I was before parental leave has been hard on me. My house is a disaster and I feel like I don't get to spend as much quality time with the boys as I would like. Sometimes I think going back to work has helped with my patience dealing with the boys, but sometimes I am stressed and tired and am not able to be the mother I want to be. 

I feel like a failure as a mom some days - is that why I cried?

Two years ago on Mother’s Day a little girl at the church asked why I hadn’t gone up front with the other mothers. Last year I was dealing with the feelings that accompanied my oldest son running away from home and being brought home by the RCMP. (Yes, that happened. And it was as terrible as it sounds.) This year I expected to feel like I had “made it.” I am exclusively “Mommy” to both of my kids. We have been a family for a year and a half. It is as real as it can be for us. But standing up with the other moms today I still felt a bit like an imposter. 

And that I think, is why I cried. 

x

One year.

Karlene Proctor Photography

We survived our first year. 

It was terrible. And it was amazing. 

But we survived. 

And I never knew how much love I could have for two tiny human beings. I also never realized how completely exhausted I could be and still function. If that’s not the definition of parenthood I don’t know what is. 

The boys are growing like weeds. 

Swimming lessons. 

Guitar lessons, singing lessons. 

Overdue library books all the time. 

Doctors. Therapists. 

Cars everywhere. 

Taco Tuesday. Pizza Friday. 

No two days are the same. 

We have made progress. 

But we still have so far to go. 

Adoption is hard. 

It is beautiful and it is tragic. 

We are not lucky. Our boys are not lucky. 

But we are a family. Forever. 

Mother’s Day

I really thought a lot about whether I would post this or not. I’ve had very mixed feelings about my first Mother’s Day as a mom. Little Man has been calling us Mommy and Daddy pretty consistently for the past few weeks. And seems content and settled. Mr. Man continues to call us Sara and Jonathan, and has been struggling for the past six weeks. His behaviours have ramped up and we have been struggling as a family. 

This morning the alarm went off and we turned on the video monitor to see if the kids were still asleep. We couldn’t see Mr. Man at all in the camera so Jonathan got up to check and see if he needed help in the bathroom. 

He wasn’t in the bathroom.

Or in his brother’s room. 

Jonathan walked down the stairs in time to see two RCMP cars pulling up in front of our house. 

Mr. Man had gotten up, put on his Spider-Man sneakers, and left through the side door which we had forgotten to chain. 

A woman had spotted him roaming down the road and called it in. He was about a kilometre from home on a busy road. At 6:30 in the morning. Wearing his pajamas. 

I cannot even put in to words how we are feeling right now. How I feel like the worst possible mother. How didn’t I hear him? Did we miss putting the chain across? How is it that life is so terrible in our home that he wants to leave that badly? 

I know this is something children do. The RCMP officers were kind and non-judgmental. (Thank you.) And I know there is more to our story. There is trauma upon trauma in our children’s past. We are using all the tools available to us and we are fighting. Fighting SO HARD to be a family. But it feels like we are taking one step forward and eighteen steps back. 

Last Mother’s Day I was imagining the joy I would feel on my first Mother’s Day. I knew being a mother wasn’t going to be easy. I know my brother and I didn’t always make it easy for my mom. (Love you Mom!) But if I’m being completely honest it has not been what I expected. At all. It has been harder than anything I ever imagined. I have cried - sobbed - more in the last six months than I ever imagined. I have dreaded waking up in the morning, wondering what the day will hold. Wondering if I am strong enough, or if this is the day I will break. 

To all those mamas fighting battles, battles they are hiding for fear of feeling like a failure or for some other reason, please consider this a hug. A silent, “I hear you.” 

I will never forget my first Mother’s Day. 

Putting it all out there!

Honesty time. 

I’ve shared a lot about our adoption journey. Our excitement, our fear, our indescribable feelings. 

Right now, things kind of suck. We love our boys, they are OUR SONS, and they are the answer to so many prayers. 

But it’s not easy. And I know that parenthood can be a struggle no matter how it happens. And I know that I’m not the only new mommy to feel this way. But I’m so tired. 

Tired of a battle every time we say “no” or “not right now.” 

Tired of defiance and disobedience and melt downs and temper tantrums. 

Tired of trying not to yell back and tired of trying not to let them see me cry. 

Tired of feeling like a failure when I ask for help. 

Tired of being called stupid one minute and then the same child wanting to climb into my arms for hugs and comfort the next minute. (I love the hugs, and I love that they want my comfort, but the quick switch is exhausting.) 

And tired of feeling like I shouldn’t say anything because we chose this path. 

Please don’t get me wrong. We love our kids. They are smart, hilarious and totally adorable. They give amazing hugs. They know all the words to the Thomas theme song (chugga chugga choo choo) and rock out to the Batman theme. 

We don’t regret our decisions and we still 100% believe that this was God’s plan. We still believe that adoption is an amazing way to grow your family whether you struggle with infertility or not. If we went back in time we would still take the exact same path. 

 I’m not looking for sympathy, everyone is fighting their own battles and they are all just as hard as ours. But if I look like I have it together? I don’t. Not really. I’m guilty of the social media illusion, of pretending it’s okay when it’s not. 

I miss my job. (More than I thought I would!) My co-workers. My staff. I miss who Jonathan and I were together before. I miss adult conversations about things other than my kids. I miss lunch dates with my friends and I miss date nights with my husband. 

And you know what? I’m allowed to. I’m allowed to miss those things. And it doesn’t make me any less of a mother. And it doesn’t make me love my kids any less. 

And it’s going to get better. I know that, believe that. With all my heart. But right now? Right now sucks. And I needed to be able to say it. 

It's about your presence, not the presents. (No, really)

So so so many people have asked what we need, and what they can do to help us get ready for the boys. The boys have spent the past almost 3 years with a foster family that absolutely love and adore them. When they join our family they'll be coming with all kinds of clothes and books and toys. We did do a registry at Toys R Us (you can find it here) but a big piece of that was about not wanting to miss out on that experience. Plus, it was a lot of fun roaming through the store trying to decide what the boys would like and picturing them playing with certain things in our home.

We do have a list of things we need though. (And some things that we would just like to have too.)

This feels really awkward to write, and I really mean it when I say that we don't expect anyone to buy any of these items for us! And if you do choose to get us or the boys something, please know that we will appreciate it whether it comes from one of our lists or it's something you picked out with us in mind. (In fact, there are probably a lot of things we didn't even think to put on the list that some of you parents might think will really come in handy for us!)

Our Wish List

PS: If you're looking for other ways to help, we're a little bit worried that Daisy is going to be feeling neglected. Especially on the weekends when we're in Yarmouth, but after the boys come home too. Any time you feel like some company on a walk, feel free to come borrow a beagle. Daisy loves to go on adventures!

PPS: Thank you to special friends for sharing their adoption wish list for us to base ours off. :-)

Wow.

Dear friends & family,

We have been totally and completely blown away by the love we've received over the last month or so. I'm pretty sure that simply saying "thank you" will never be enough. Offers to help prepare the house, and help baby sit when the time comes have been coming in from every direction. It's truly amazing, and we both feel incredibly blessed.

I started writing this post on Tuesday evening and I was explaining that we were in another weird waiting period, waiting for a transition schedule from the social workers. Well, the email came yesterday and we now have a tentative schedule. If everything unfolds roughly as scheduled, adoption day will be November 17th.

Seven weeks. Seven weeks from today.

One moment seven weeks feels like an eternity, then the next it feels like no time at all.

We have so much left to do around the house, and very little time to do it. Over the next seven weeks almost all of our weekends and days off will be spent with our kids. ("Our kids," it still feels so strange!) We've had lots of people volunteer to help, but most of what needs to be done is cleaning/organizing/purging the house to get ready. Bedrooms are painted, and the flooring is done in one of them. This weekend we're building bedroom furniture and starting to put two bedrooms together. Then after that we finish the playroom and declutter/clean the rest of the house from top to bottom. It feels like so much, but I know it will all come together.

I feel like I'm rambling, there really aren't words to capture how we're feeling. We are still overwhelmed, and terrified, and excited, but underneath it all is this feeling of... rightness. I think that's the best way to describe it.

This next chapter of our lives is going to be filled with challenges. Challenges of parenthood. Challenges of raising children who've experienced trauma. Almost everything we know is changing. But it still feels right and that's the feeling we want to hold on to.

Thank you again for all the love. Consider this a hug for everyone who's "liked" one of our posts on Facebook, or sent a text or a Snapchat, We appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

PS: The gorgeous photos at the top of this post were done by Karlene Stiles Photography. Karlene is a former employee of mine who is an incredibly talented photographer. I can't recommend her highly enough!

Our Rollercoaster

I really don't even know where to start.

I was talking with a friend who's also adopting, and she was listing all the emotions she was feeling. Excited, hopeful, scared, anxious, nervous... plus a few that we weren't sure what to call. We decided that there should be a word that means all of those things. Because that's how we're feeling.

It's been almost two months since we got the call that we've been matched.

There is still nothing official. Which means, friends and family, even if you want to, don't start buying anything. ;-) (Not that's stopped us...) We've had two meetings so far, one with the social workers involved with the children, and one with the foster parents who are currently caring for/loving the children.

Both of the meetings were scary and overwhelming.

But they were also full of hope.

The next step is meeting with some of the other folks outside the system who know the kids. Day care staff, occupational therapists...

And while nothing is official yet, it's feeling very real all of the sudden.

I'm going to be a mom.

My whole life is going to change.

I won't be leaving the house every morning to go to work.

I'll have mountains of laundry.

To two small humans I'll be Mommy, and Jonathan will be Daddy.

This journey has not been what we expected.

And we know that what's coming isn't going to be easy. Parenthood is never easy, but we are going to have some unique challenges. (Like every family does.)

I'm sitting on the couch, listening to Daisy snore, realizing that my days are going to change drastically in the coming months.

Packing school lunches, watching Tree House TV, playing with dinkies, appointments, visits from social workers... This is going to be my new life.

The new chapter. A whole new book.

I'm sad to see the end of this story. I love the life that Jonathan and I have built together. I love us. But I am so excited to start this new story. I'm ready to see the new us.

Good thing we love roller coasters! :-)

Matched.

We got the call today that we've been matched.

MATCHED. 

Words we've been waiting 8 months to hear, but words we were expecting to have to wait longer for. Much longer. A match doesn't necessarily always lead to an adoption, but an adoption can't happen without a match. Our home study has been chosen - we've been chosen - for a sibling group of two. (Eventually I'll be able to give a little more info, but for now all I'm comfortable saying is that it's a sibling group of two. Our families and close friends know a little bit more.)

I am full of so many emotions right now, some of them I can't even name. (And that's really saying something, because expressing myself is not something I normally struggle with!)

Mixed in with all the excitement and joy there's one underlying emotion: terror.

I am terrified.

I don't know how to be a mom.

What do we do now?
Am I self-less enough for this?
How are Daisy and Sydney going to react?
How do we register our child for school?
What do we buy?
What do little kids like?
What do they eat?
What will our days look like?
How do we help them keep their culture when they've never been exposed to it?
How do we help them deal with the grief of leaving foster parents they love and adore?
(And how do we keep from being over-come with jealousy over their bond with their foster family?)
How do we speak positively about their first family knowing what we know?
Who am I if I'm not working?
Am I a terrible mother if I go back to work?
Will they call us Mom and Dad?

What if they don't like us?

I am terrified.

But I am ready to see where the next part of our journey leads us.

Mother's Day

I would be lying if I didn't say that Mother's Day is a struggle for me. And I know I'm not the only one struggling today. There are mothers who've lost children, and children who've lost their mothers. And there are the woman like me, who are waiting. Some days patiently, and some days impatiently. 

In my life plan, I would have been a mother by now. Since we began our adoption journey the fact that it's not about my plan has become more and more evident. But on days like today, knowing that there's a plan can only do so much. Watching the mothers get their flowers at church and seeing all the posts on Facebook are like tiny little pin pricks in my heart. One of the little girls at church today turned to me after service and said, "aren't you a mother?" Pretty simple question, but boy did it pierce.

I want to be a mother. I want tiny arms around my neck, and I want to kiss scraped knees. I want to clean up puke and I want to go to work on only 2 hours of sleep because someone had a nightmare or just couldn't sleep.

This isn't a pity party - my life isn't on hold because we're waiting for our children. My marriage is stronger, I get to spoil my nephew without my own children getting jealous. I have amazing people in my life, and I don't feel "incomplete." 

But I do think we need to encourage conversation. I'm not the only one who struggled with infertility. Who spent years wondering what was wrong with me. So if you're struggling, you're not alone. There's a plan for you too. 

Waiting & Christmas

I'm currently typing this post on the adorable new laptop that Jonathan bought me for Christmas. We did a little bit of splurging this Christmas, I think because in our hearts we're hoping that this is the last Christmas that it's just the two of us. That next Christmas we're busy with little ones and spoiling them instead of each other. Every Christmas tradition this year (like baking cookies at Jonathan's parents') prompted discussions of what it may be like "next year" and Jonathan and I talked several times about how different Christmas will look when we have our own kids.

We weren't the only ones thinking about our kids when we were doing our Christmas shopping this year. We got some incredibly thoughtful gifts from our family and friends as well. One of the girls at work nearly brought me to tears on Christmas Eve when she presented me with a scrapbook to fill with our journey. Her mother had kept a journal for her, and it was something that meant the world to her, so she wanted us to do the same for our future children. Jonathan and I each bought each other a book, and he also got me a beautiful necklace. David and Tracey bought us a wall hanging and a copy of "God Found Us You." My childhood friend Lauren sent us a devotion/journal book that I'm really looking forward to getting in to. And even Joseph's girlfriend (who we've never met!) sent us a sweet decoration.

When we're being honest with ourselves we know that we're probably going to have at least one more Christmas that's just the two of us, possibly more than one. We've only been approved a little over two months and we know how long the wait can be. This Christmas was the first one after our approval though, and we worked very hard to get here. I don't know how different next Christmas will look but I'm glad this Christmas was special.

Rejection.

We have now officially been waiting parents for a little over a month. The past month has completely flown by! (I think November always flies as an adult though, because December means Christmas and Christmas means a ton of extra things to get done.) Our home study has been put forward twice now, and both times we were not selected. If I'm being completely honest we didn't expect to get selected. We were told upfront that part of the selection process includes how long you've been waiting, and we know that there are families who've been waiting for years. It definitely lessened the blow, but it still wasn't easy to read the emails.

Right now I'm still able to convince myself that we weren't selected because of how recently we were approved. Once a couple months pass though I worry a little about how I'm going to react. Will I blame myself? Wonder why whoever is reading the report doesn't think I would be a good mother? Will Jonathan blame me? Will I blame him?

Are we strong enough to withstand those doubts? YES.

Is it going to be hard? Is it going to test us? I'm sure it is. But our kids are out there. Maybe they're already in foster care, maybe they haven't even been born yet. But I truly believe that there is a reason we felt that adoption was the path for us. We are meant to be here, meant to be on this journey. Our home study is going forward again, maybe these are our children. But if they're not, that's okay, because this is our journey. And someday we're going to be parents.

xo.

World Adoption Day.

Happy world adoption day!

This is the third year we've celebrated World Adoption Day. 

"World Adoption Day is a day to celebrate family.   World Adoption Day is a day to raise awareness for adoption.   World Adoption Day is a day to raise funds to support families in their adoption.   Ambassadors from all over the world are organizing events and parties, bringing together people from all walks of life to celebrate World Adoption Day.   Join us as we create a day to celebrate the power and beauty of family brought together through adoption."


The first year we weren't celebrating for ourselves, but for family who were on their own adoption  journey. And last year was our first year doing it for us and our kids. It's pretty easy to participate, even if you're not adopting yourself. just draw a smiley face on your hand and post it with the hashtag #WorldAdoptionDay. I know it seems like a silly little thing, but to someone who's on this journey it means a lot to see your support - even if we already know you support us 100% - and it's also amazing for us to see how many other families are coming together through adoption. 

For those interested in an update about our journey... We have exciting news! Our home study is being put forward for the first time this month. Our social worker has been very upfront with us, and the chances of this child being our son/daughter is very unlikely, but it is still ridiculously exciting to know that we're even being considered at this point. We will also be attending a forum at the end of the month where we'll get to meet other approved & waiting families and learn about some of the children currently waiting. 

PS: Thank you all for being interested in our journey, the love and support seriously blow us away every time we post anything,

442 Days.

We're approved.

It took 442 days from our call to the Nova Scotia Adoption Line to the email containing the words, "Congratulations - you're approved." 442 days. One year, two months, and fifteen days. 

In some ways it felt like a ridiculously long time, and in other ways it felt like it flew by. Part of me felt like this part of the journey would take longer, it still feels a little surreal that it's over.

It's a weird feeling too, One that's hard to describe. We're approved, but we're not matched. We can't go out and start buying things for our future children - we don't know whether there will be one or two, girls or boys, or even what ages they'll be. There's no "Congratulations you're approved adoptive parents" greeting cards for people to buy us, no parties or showers. Not that people aren't excited for us, because they are. (So excited, especially Jonathan's mom.) But it's a weird limbo-like place we're in.

All that's left now is the wait. There are things we'll do while we wait (we still have multiple home renos on the go, and a pile of books about adoption) but there's no "next step." I've liked setting small goals, and having things to work towards. But that piece is done. And I think it's scaring me a little.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely thrilled to be where we are. I know that the process did move smoothly and fairly quickly for us, And I wouldn't change that for the world. But... I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say or how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I think that's okay though. This is uncharted territory, and together Jonathan and I are going to figure out how to navigate through it. We might not be able to start picking out items for a nursery, but that doesn't mean we're not expectant parents. Every day we are one day closer to the day we get to meet our children.

This is our journey.

An update. (Finally!)

We are thisclose to being finished our home assessment. We have received the rough draft of our report from our social worker and it will be presented to her team on Tuesday, October 25th. For the majority of the assessment process I could comfortably say it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. We did hit one snag, which is hard to explain, but it all ended up working out. We've read over the report, and it sounds like us. A couple minor things we'll ask her to change (like Jonathan's name being spelled wrong, something he's pretty used to!) but I believe that the report captures who we are. I'll be on pins and needles until after the 25th I think, but it's crazy to thing how close to the end we are!

We had our adoption photos taken a little over a month ago, and we absolutely love them. They were taken at Point Pleasant Park in Halifax by Melissa Harding Photography. Melissa was fantastic to work with, I would definitely recommend her to any one in our area looking to have photos taken. I posted most of them on Facebook, but here are a few of my favourites...

Once the report is complete and we're approved (which hopefully we will be!) the real waiting begins. Because we're looking for one or two children with relatively low-needs, our wait may be long. We have lots of projects to do around the house, so hopefully that will keep us from dwelling on it too much. :-) 

Hopefully I'll be posting on Tuesday to let you all know that we are officially approved! 

It's the little things.

One of the things I was looking forward to about being pregnant was maternity photos. I mean, they are absolutely the cutest. I love pictures, at least once a year I make Jonathan get professional portraits done with me to include in our Christmas cards. Do my friends and family REALLY need a picture of Jonathan, Daisy and I every year? Probably not. But I still do it. 

When we were still researching adoption, well before I made the initial call, I stumbled across a pin on Pinterest that was basically the equivalent of maternity photos. And I was, (of course!) completely in love with the idea. 

We decided it was probably a good idea to wait until we were actually APPROVED to have pictures done. And when I say "we," I mean Jonathan said we couldn't do it right away and we needed to wait until we were approved. And it made sense. So I had to tell him he was right. Which isn't my favourite thing to do... ;-)

Anyways, long story short, a couple weeks ago I decided that things seemed like they were wrapping up and that September would be a great time to have some pictures done. So I did it, I booked a photographer. Someone I've never used before, but someone who came highly recommended and whose work I really like. 

I can't wait for the session, and I can't wait to share the pictures with you all. 

PS: You can check out the photographer I'm using here. :-)

One year later.

A year ago yesterday I made the call that started us on this journey.

In some ways it feels like just yesterday, and in others it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

For the most part, I feel like the process has moved quickly for us. Quicker than I thought it would actually. I expected to be waiting longer to begin our P.R.I.D.E training and then I expected to be waiting longer to begin our home assessments. And I expected the home assessments to take longer too. (They're not quite finished, but the end is in sight.)

Jonathan and I spent this weekend at a small cottage right on the Bay of Fundy. We went for a long walk along the beach yesterday and talked a lot about this past year and about how we see our future unfolding. There was a time a few years back when we stopped talking about the future. Not our whole futures, but the part that included children. And even though the picture in my head of our children is probably not exactly accurate, Jonathan and I are once again having discussions about bedroom furniture (we saw the cutest bunk beds at Wheatons last week!), schools, childcare and all the little things we want to teach our kids.

The next part of the adoption process will probably be the longest, and in some ways the toughest. Once the home assessment is finished we're essentially done. We'll keep reading, and keep doing projects around the house, but there's no more steps to take. It just becomes a wait. It could be two months (like a couple from our P.R.I.D.E training group) or it could be years and years. But someday our children are coming home to us. And until they do, we'll keep talking about our future as a family. And I'll keep pointing out all the really expensive children's furniture that I want to buy them. ;-)

9 months + one.

Ten months ago Jonathan and I made the decision that would shape the rest of our lives.

We decided to adopt.

Many tears and much prayer and SO MUCH TALKING went into our decision. We are adopting domestically, we are hoping to adopt a pair of siblings 6 years old or younger.

Ten months have passed since we made that first phone call, throwing our names into the ring so to speak. Ten months. If we had been announcing a pregnancy at the same time as we announced our plans to adopt we would be holding our child now. We would have made a birth plan, picked out names, decorated a nursery, decided between cloth and disposable diapers and so much more. Most of these are things that we're not going to be able to do. Someone else is going to name our children, and they may even be out of diapers before they come home to us. And some days that makes me incredibly sad.

But I am going to teach my children to read, and print their names. We are going to teach them about love and about the Lord. We are going to talk to them about how they want their bedrooms decorated and create a room that reflects them and will be a haven for them. I am going to be the one cheering when they cross the stage at graduation and crying when they are walking down the aisle on their wedding day. I can already see Jonathan teaching them to ride a bike and hammer a nail. I am going to buy cute outfits and give good night kisses. We are going to take dorky family photos in matching outfits. My fridge is going to be covered in art work.

Ten months have passed, and I have no idea how much longer we'll be waiting. Things are moving forward right now, but at some point they'll pause again. And I'm okay with that. This is my journey, this is my path. Someday I'm going to be a mother.

An early Christmas present.

Jonathan and I made the decision to adopt around the middle of August 2015. It was a decision years in the making and one that we didn't make lightly. There were a lot of late night conversations, a lot of prayer, and a lot of tears. We know that this isn't going to be an easy process, and it's definitely not going to be a quick process. There is definitely going to be a lot of waiting. (After five years of trying to conceive, I think we're pretty good at waiting, but this is a whole new situation so it's really hard to say!)

During our intake interview (a quick phone call with a social worker) the process was explained in brief. After the intake interview would be an information session. After the information session would be a 9-week training course. After the training course would be the home assessment. And then after the home assessment would be the real wait. There was no time line for how long anything would take. The social worker who completed our intake interview told me that she didn't know of anyone who had waited for more than a year to get accepted into the training course, and during our information session they explained that the seats in the course were prioritized based on certain conditions. Based on our desire to adopt two children under the age of six we figured we were in for a bit of a wait. When we were being cautiously optimistic we hoped to hear something about our course mid/late February and when we were feeling less optimistic we expected we'd be starting our course in the early spring. 

A week before Christmas Eve I took a break from wrapping presents to quickly check my email and was completely shocked to find an email from community services inviting us to a training course. I actually couldn't even open the email - I handed my phone to Jonathan and told him to read it first. We were invited to a course beginning January 11th. 

That's today. 

We're attending our first session tonight, I'm scared and excited and a lot of other emotions that I don't even have names for yet. I'm looking forward to connecting with other families in our area who are in the same phase of this journey and I'm looking forward learning more about this process and about what to expect as our journey continues. But I know everything isn't going to be easy to hear, I know there are going to be heart breaking stories and scary stories shared in this course. And while I can't claim to be "excited" about that part, I know that it's necessary and so so so important to know as much as possible.

This journey is like nothing I've ever experienced, but I love knowing we're a little bit closer to bringing our children home.

An overflowing heart.

On  Thursday we announced to Facebook that we had started our adoption journey. It was something 
we debated for a while. We are so so so early in the process that it felt a little like announcing a pregnancy before the end of the first trimester. And we have no idea how long the process could take. There is a very real possibility (and kind of a frightening one) that it could be six years before we have our child. However, we are so excited and I am a colossal over-sharer, so we went for it.

And we were blown away.

I've never posted anything that ended up with over 100 likes. And the comments were so unbelievably sweet and supportive. And they came from people I hadn't talked to in years, and people Jonathan has never even met. We also learned that an old friend of Jonathan's is in the process of adopting internationally. The experiences that led her and her husband to adopt are very similar to ours so we are looking forward to getting together with them in the near future. My staff, my co-workers, and especially my boss are so 100% behind us and I'm pretty sure I can already feel the prayers from our church family.

It is going to be a long, bumpy road and I know that. There are going to be mountains, there are going to valleys and there are going to be prairies when we feel like nothing is changing at all. I can't say that I'm ready for all that - I am impatient and and I am emotional - but all of the support is going to make it so much easier to bear.

Sharing our journey.

Jonathan and I talked a lot about whether or not I would write about our adoption journey. The final verdict was yes (obviously) but I will only be talking about our journey. I think Emily at ember grey said it best, I don't want to share a story that isn't mine to share. I will talk about how we got where we got, and I will talk about the process (in part because I found it extremely hard to find blogs/resources for Canadians adopting within Canada and in part because I have a feeling there are going to be times I just need to do that!), but our child will have their own story and how they share it ~ or don't share it ~ with the world will be their choice.