We have now officially been waiting parents for a little over a month. The past month has completely flown by! (I think November always flies as an adult though, because December means Christmas and Christmas means a ton of extra things to get done.) Our home study has been put forward twice now, and both times we were not selected. If I'm being completely honest we didn't expect to get selected. We were told upfront that part of the selection process includes how long you've been waiting, and we know that there are families who've been waiting for years. It definitely lessened the blow, but it still wasn't easy to read the emails.
Right now I'm still able to convince myself that we weren't selected because of how recently we were approved. Once a couple months pass though I worry a little about how I'm going to react. Will I blame myself? Wonder why whoever is reading the report doesn't think I would be a good mother? Will Jonathan blame me? Will I blame him?
Are we strong enough to withstand those doubts? YES.
Is it going to be hard? Is it going to test us? I'm sure it is. But our kids are out there. Maybe they're already in foster care, maybe they haven't even been born yet. But I truly believe that there is a reason we felt that adoption was the path for us. We are meant to be here, meant to be on this journey. Our home study is going forward again, maybe these are our children. But if they're not, that's okay, because this is our journey. And someday we're going to be parents.